Day 8 - Truth & Lies

I had a lot of time to think today about how I really feel. I'm not talking about the way some people, including myself, just tell themselves "I feel this way or I am happy." This past week at school, the past year at college, has not been at all what I expected. I never really knew just how attached I was to my parents until I came here. 16 hours away from everything I really knew. Yeah, I had lived in memphis before and I do have my sister (who is absolutely amazing)...but I left behind the life I knew. Let me explain this better.

I lived in Memphis, Tn. when I was born and I stayed there until I was 2 yrs. old. Then, I moved to Hornlake, Ms. and lived there for 6 years, until I was 8 yrs. old. THEN, I moved to Millington, Tn for 4 years, until I was 12. I was completely confident in myself. If there was something I couldn't do then I set out and did it.No questions about it, I wouldn't stop until I did it and I knew exactly how to do it. On July 12th, 2002, I was 12 years old, My life and I changed completely. I lost every inch of confidence I had, I was a completely different person. I didn't want to try new things because I didn't want to fail. I didn't want anyone to laugh at me. All of a sudden, all I cared about is what people thought of me. All I had were my parents and I love them so much for always being there for me. My parents actually saved me from myself. They weren't just parents to me, they were my very best friends ( :) still are ).

So, anyways, I lived in Virginia for six years. Over time Virginia came to be a place I gladly called home and I loved it there. But I still came back to good ole Mississippi. Hoping to be able to visit my grandma more, see my sister, and conquer the world of college. I was scared out of my mind before I left, but I knew what I wanted. It's hard to describe. When I got my acceptance letter to Ole Miss, I knew, I just knew. I told my mom, "This is it. This is where I want to goto school." I had a dream, and I was running after it.

Today I was thinking about this past week and how I wasn't alone but I felt alone. Last year was really tough. I was making so many decisions, I was scared to death, I was panicking about everything, afraid of failure, afraid that I wasn't a good enough friend or a good enough girlfriend or a good daughter. I had no money and had to completely rely on other people, and I was NOT brought up that way. I was brought up that you should only depend on yourself, which in my case I mainly depended on my parents. We all had a rough patch and I had nowhere to turn. I absolutely HATE feeling like a charity case. I realized today that I need, need, to be able to depend on myself. Depending on other people makes me feel like nothing, like I am worth nothing.

I was also thinking about my relationships with other people today.

For example, since I have moved to Mississippi it has allowed me to become very close to my sister, Natasha, and I've also been able to talk to other family members in the area more as well. It's nice to know that I have family, it helps me feel more at home. Also, living away from my parents is helping me to make more of my own decisions and not rely on mom and dad so much.

With Michael, we're definitely not perfect. We've had to work to stay together, but I think that all relationships should. I feel like all the arguements have made us sooo much stronger, and I definitely think Michael is worth it, worth fighting for. I love him and love is all that really matters.