A day lost in time.

My life seems to be going in circles. I'm losing my faith in humanity. Who is good any more?

Day 11 - Blank

Why does my title say "Day 11 - Blank".....?

It says Blank because that is how I feel. My life is a blank. I am a blank.

Have you ever wondered what love is? Is love just an emotion? Is love an act? Is love a different definition for everyone, and if it is, should it be that way?

How do people heal? When does pain end?

Can you be a true christian and still repeat the same sins, over and over?

How can you be strong and yet be weak?

By the way, the thinnest line in the world, really is between love and hate.

What would you do if you had so many emotions built up inside of you that you couldn't actually express yourself?

Why do questions always need answers?

Can you be a good friend when you really don't care what they think?

Why do people always feel the need to talk crap about other people?

Seriously, dead serious. If you have a problem with someone, DON'T BE A COWARD, go tell them! You don't have to be a jerk about it, just let them know what is bothering you, don't go around talking crap about them behind their back. If you think about it, what good is that gonna do? Where is that gonna get you? NOWHERE. Yeah you and your other "friends" will get a laugh. woo-hoo. What a blast..... NOT. Your friends are probably wondering what you say about them when they aren't around. AND if you have a problem with one of your friends, TELL THEM! How are they gonna try and fix it or defend themselves if you don't let them know?

Is everything Black and White, or is there gray?

Why is it that you can spend a whole day being tires and then lay down and not be able to sleep?

Is it possible to be in love with more than one person? and Do we have one soulmate on this earth? or many?

How can a heart break and heal at the same time?

If LOVE is a many splendored thing, and all we need is love....then why does love (sometimes) end in hate?

Day 10 - Jibber, Jabber

As you can see, I don't really post on a daily basis. :/ It's so hard to because school is my main priority right now. It's tough but I feel soo much better about myself when I'm on top of school. I'm not takin philosophy anymore, they dropped me because I was waitlisted :(. I signed up in the spring and somehow my roomate, Jayson, got enrolled in the class the day before class started!!!!!!! I was like " WHAT!!" lol. Anyways, it's alllll good because now I'm in another music class and a lot of my friends are in it! It just helps to endure the class annnddd can anyone say study groups!!! lol. Now, all of my classes are in the music building and I think thats pretty awesome. I've made A's in everything so far, SO FAR, wait an one B on homework grade in Music Theory but still, I'm proud of myself I'm starting out great and if I just keep it up I'll end great too. I really hope that I pull my grades up even more this semester so that I can rush Sigma Alpha Iota next semester. Sigma Alpha Iota is a music sorority, yes its social, but its not in the IFC lol. I really want to be in it because all of the girls in it are really nice and it seems like so much fun and a good way to meet more people.

My Mastering the Art of French Cooking was supposed t come in yesterday... The people obviously misplaced the order so now I have to call them Tuesday so they can call the driver and figure out what he did with my book. That is sooo frustrating. ON the other hand I have Julia Childs French Chef DVDs to wach now and Julia's essentials in the kitchen to read. PLUS! It has some recipes in it that I really want to try it's just so hard to find time to cook. Really and truly, it's hard to find time to do much more than schoolwork, sleep and eat. I'm gonna try to start a new routine of waking up earlier and working out in the morning before class at 9 but I get really nervous about being late to classes. I seriously hate being late for things like that. That's why This semester I leave the house 30 minutes early. That way I miss the whole traffic rush right before 9 o'clock (students that are running late trying to rush to class), if something happens unexpectedly then I won't have to worry about being late because I have plenty of time to get there, anddd since I usually get there about 20 minutes early I have time to think about my next class and the day ahead of me so I'm mentally prepared. It seriously works very well for me.

Tomorrow is our first football game against Memphis. I am really, really excited. I hope we do AMAZING tomorrow! :D I can't even sleep! Note that I'm still blogging lol.

This school year is getting better and better. It started out a little rough for me but I think I'm starting to realize now that just because one thing is really bad that doesn't mean everything else is really bad too. My whole focus lately has been on only paying attention to the positive. It's pretty hard because I've gotten so used to not really believing in myself but thats going to stop. I feel like maybe the reason I don't do as well as I should is because I spend so much time thinking about how I CAN'T. Lately for example, in flute lessons, I've been focusing on thinking "I can do this" and I've already improved a lot even Ms.Wang said so! ^.^ I never thought I would say that I cant wait for the next lesson. I can play my way and not be scared because she actually cares and teaches me. I've already learned so much from her in just two lessons and I am so excited for this year. It's such a relief to know that you have a teacher that cares about you and wants you to succeed and makes you believe that you CAN. Now THAT is a wonderful, and I mean WONDERFUL, feeling. Last year I felt so hopeless about my musical education, I really didn't think I could make it and now I can't even describe the feeling to know that your hopelessness was just foolishness and that there is always hope. I know I'm rambling but I have a hard time expressing things so I just have to express my feeling in my own little weird way lol!

I think the other reasons I have been feeling so much better about life is because #1 I have my OWN money therefore I can buy my OWN groceries. I know that I can depend on Michael if I have to but I should never have to, and it feels sooo good to be able to depend on myself. #2 I have been talking to my parents a lot more anndd I get to see them more soon :) and I can NOT wait. literally. I miss my mom and dad. I seriously think about my parents frequently throughout the day. I'm one of the few students that could probably say that lol. I am very family oriented. I love being with family. I miss getting woke up by mom and those random times breakfast was cooked for me. or sitting at home waiting on daddy to come home so that I could pounce in him and give him a big hug. Okay I have to stop. I'm pathetic. Anyways, I can't wait for tomorrow or next weekend!!! Next weekend I get to go home and see my parents :D So, YAY! I need sleep now even though I'm not sure how I'll be able to convince myself to goto sleep. Gr. lol Goodnight world.

hello

Hi

Day 9 - classes, classes, more classes.

I am so incredibly exhausted. It's not even funny. I've only had classes twice now and it's like an overload of work :P. I have to run from band hall allll the way across campus and back to the band hall...and then again. It's tiring but at least I'm getting an extra workout. I can't write very much because I'm trying to focus on school and it's not difficult yet but thats my plan... I plan on getting so into school that when it gets difficult I'm so used to doing it all right that I won't get behind and be stupid and such. yay. Not much to write about. I've only done classes. I'll write more later :)

Day 8 - Truth & Lies

I had a lot of time to think today about how I really feel. I'm not talking about the way some people, including myself, just tell themselves "I feel this way or I am happy." This past week at school, the past year at college, has not been at all what I expected. I never really knew just how attached I was to my parents until I came here. 16 hours away from everything I really knew. Yeah, I had lived in memphis before and I do have my sister (who is absolutely amazing)...but I left behind the life I knew. Let me explain this better.

I lived in Memphis, Tn. when I was born and I stayed there until I was 2 yrs. old. Then, I moved to Hornlake, Ms. and lived there for 6 years, until I was 8 yrs. old. THEN, I moved to Millington, Tn for 4 years, until I was 12. I was completely confident in myself. If there was something I couldn't do then I set out and did it.No questions about it, I wouldn't stop until I did it and I knew exactly how to do it. On July 12th, 2002, I was 12 years old, My life and I changed completely. I lost every inch of confidence I had, I was a completely different person. I didn't want to try new things because I didn't want to fail. I didn't want anyone to laugh at me. All of a sudden, all I cared about is what people thought of me. All I had were my parents and I love them so much for always being there for me. My parents actually saved me from myself. They weren't just parents to me, they were my very best friends ( :) still are ).

So, anyways, I lived in Virginia for six years. Over time Virginia came to be a place I gladly called home and I loved it there. But I still came back to good ole Mississippi. Hoping to be able to visit my grandma more, see my sister, and conquer the world of college. I was scared out of my mind before I left, but I knew what I wanted. It's hard to describe. When I got my acceptance letter to Ole Miss, I knew, I just knew. I told my mom, "This is it. This is where I want to goto school." I had a dream, and I was running after it.

Today I was thinking about this past week and how I wasn't alone but I felt alone. Last year was really tough. I was making so many decisions, I was scared to death, I was panicking about everything, afraid of failure, afraid that I wasn't a good enough friend or a good enough girlfriend or a good daughter. I had no money and had to completely rely on other people, and I was NOT brought up that way. I was brought up that you should only depend on yourself, which in my case I mainly depended on my parents. We all had a rough patch and I had nowhere to turn. I absolutely HATE feeling like a charity case. I realized today that I need, need, to be able to depend on myself. Depending on other people makes me feel like nothing, like I am worth nothing.

I was also thinking about my relationships with other people today.

For example, since I have moved to Mississippi it has allowed me to become very close to my sister, Natasha, and I've also been able to talk to other family members in the area more as well. It's nice to know that I have family, it helps me feel more at home. Also, living away from my parents is helping me to make more of my own decisions and not rely on mom and dad so much.

With Michael, we're definitely not perfect. We've had to work to stay together, but I think that all relationships should. I feel like all the arguements have made us sooo much stronger, and I definitely think Michael is worth it, worth fighting for. I love him and love is all that really matters.

Day 7 - My very busy life.

Sorry it's been so long since I've been able to write. This week has been band camp, clean house, eat a little, sleep. I'm soo very tired.

The House

It's coming along pretty well. I'm getting pretty comfy, the worst thing is that the T.V. is almost never off because we have DVR now so Michael is obsessed and won't turn the TVoff. It's okay though. I STILL haven't been able to set my room up because the previous owner's possessions are stored in my room. I can't wait until they finally get everything out and I can start setting everything up. My bathroom is done and everything though :) lol. My biggest accomplishment was finishing the kitchen. It was the toughest and I did it!!!! P.S. I cooked strawberry muffins and they were yummilicious.

Band Camp

It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Band gives me my time. It's my place, It's where I belong. I can play and listen to the trumpets, or the mellophones blaring their tune. It makes me want to dance. It's funny, I'm not really a dancing person because I get nervous that people will think I'm stupid. BUT, in band it's like I can barely control myself. I have to move because the music gives me so much energy and I get so pumped up about it all, I'm just bouncing without realizing it. Mr. Wilson is a phenomenal band director. I hope I'm NOT a Ole miss when he leaves. The day Mr.Wilson is no longer a band director for the Ole Miss band will be a very, VERY sad day. He doesn't really talk to me, or pay any attention to me really, for that matter. That's okay because he TEACHES me and I respect him and trust him. He wants what is best for us. It's kind of weird because he makes it where I want to do good for myself, of course, but I also want to do my absolute best for him. Like, I want him to be proud of the band. I want him to be proud of himself for helping us to be amazing (because we are :D ). I don't know, I'm weird lol.

Life in general...

I don't want to lie to myself anymore. College scares the crap out of me. It's sort of like "Do well or FAIL YOUR ENTIRE LIFE." I'm not the best at music. I don't have "perfect pitch", I'm not really good at music theory, I'm not even AMAZING at playing, I have trouble singing. The best thing I can say about me is that I WANT to learn. I want to learn EVERYTHING I can about music. Music is my passion. Music brings out the best and the worst in me. My high school band director always told me that I couldn't be a musician and be a perfectionist about it. Well I am. I will always find a way to improve, or find something that needs improvement. Music has brought out the best in me because it helps me to have perseverance, to try my hardest. Yet, it also brings out the biggest flaw in my personality, which is my lack of confidence. I have the absolute worst playing anxiety....including full blown panic attacks because I had to play by myself in front of 3 teachers. Even if I am completely prepared and I KNOW I can play my piece AMAZING-like, I still shake as I walk in. I don't understand it. I don't understand a lot of things, like people and sometimes myself.

P.S. I just found out the other day that Mastering the Art of French Cooking isn't being shipped off until September 1rst.... I'm still very excited though!